Muffins of DEATH
by Bloodstained Comma
Summary: Ch 2 up. When Light and many others around the globe begin disappearing, L is forced to take on a case to figure out who's responsible, and what connection Chuck Norris and muffins might have to everything. Crackfic, not meant to be taken seriously!
1. Copyright to Chuck Norris

_Hello my splendiferously awesome readers and welcome to Comma's first ever crack fic!_

_It's got L. It's got Chuck Norris. It has muffins. It has L investigating a Chuck Norris-Flavored Muffin mystery._

_Is it random? You bet your ass it is._

_Many thanks to my coauthor **Sparanda**, who has been and will be helping me out with ideas for the fic, including the entire creation of the original character in this story (more info about him is located on my profile under the OC's section)._

_Now, I give you... a **summary**! Not a shrubbery - Sorry Knights of Ni and fellow Monty Python fans -, just a summary. And you don't even have to cut down a tree with a herring._

_Anyway, moving on from the Monty Python references and onto the previously mentioned **Summary**:  
When Yagami Light disappears and leaves nothing interesting behind in his room except a snackcake wrapper with a picture of Chuck Norris on it, what could it possibly mean for the Kira case, for which Light was the main suspect? Furthermore, when more people, not just in Japan but across the entire world, begin disappearing for unknown reasons and leaving behind the same wrappers, it ensues in panic for the investigation team - even L has trouble finding any links between the disappearances except that all of the people ate radioactive muffins that had pictures of Chuck Norris on their wrappers, muffins that should not exist according to L's own extensive research. What could Matsuda, Ryuk, and a gamer by the name of William Thomas Burr know about this case that no one else does?_

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* * *

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_**Tokyo, Japan**__ – Yagami Light, 17, a teen widely regarded as Tokyo's best student, was reported missing on January 26. What might have happened remains a mystery, but his father, Yagami Soichiro, who works as a police detective, is doing all he can to find his son and bring those responsible to justice._

"_My son has been a lead suspect in the Kira case for some time now," Yagami told reporters. "I hope this is enough to prove that he has nothing to do with Kira and wants nothing more than his downfall. According to L himself, it could prove either that or the exact opposite. Only time will tell his opinion, but I for one am dedicated first and foremost to searching for my son."_

_It is indeed a devastating event to have occurred in the quaint suburban area of Tokyo where the Yagami family's home is located. Nothing like this has happened in that area for years. Those who know Yagami Light doubt he ran away, but there is no evidence anywhere indicating that a struggle may have occurred within the home Light so mysteriously disappeared from._

"_He came downstairs, grabbed something out of the cupboard, and went back up to his room to study," his tearful mother told reporters. "He was always studying. I checked on him later, and he didn't answer. I opened the door and he wasn't there. He hadn't come downstairs, the window wasn't open, everything seemed in place, except for my son."_

_The family is __**(Continued on page 5A)**_

L blinked at the front page of the newspaper in utter annoyance before tossing it over his shoulder. He then held an opened lunch cake wrapper a few inches from his face. He looked down at a photograph of Yagami Light's room. The boy had been so insufferably clean that it annoyed L just to look at the pictures of the crime scene. It also annoyed L that it looked less like a crime scene than any other scene he had ever seen in his life. All that was on the floor was a lunch cake wrapper, the very one L was holding by a pair of tweezers in one hand. He looked at it again.

It was indeed unique. It had no writing on it. There was only a picture of Chuck Norris's face on the front of the plastic and a pair of crossing bones beneath, a mockery of the skull and crossbones symbols that marked pirate ships and poison. Below, in bold red capital letters, were the words "EAT AT YOUR OWN RISK". On the back of the muffin wrapper, in tiny print along the side, was a copyright symbol with the strangest statement of copyright L had ever seen in his life written beneath it: "All warnings and images are copyright and trademark of Chuck Norris. Your mom is copyright to Chuck Norris. Any attempt to sue Chuck Norris will fail miserably."

Upon questioning by her own husband, Mrs. Yagami had claimed she had never bought anything that looked like that. Yagami-san himself had investigated the cupboards and found no boxes that could have held the wrapper. There _were_ crumbs in the wrapper itself, however.

L found it odd that, upon touching one of these crumbs, his fingers had been burned. If Yagami Light had eaten the original contents of that wrapper, then he had to have been either extremely brave or extremely stupid.

Nonetheless, L had the crumbs forensically tested, and they came back as muffin positive. Those weren't the exact results, but they had most certainly come from a muffin of some kind. A radioactive one, specifically. Why anyone would want to buy, much less _eat_, a radioactive, Chuck Norris flavored muffin was absolutely baffling to L. However, it was somewhat intriguing, and the muffin wrapper did seem connected to the death of Yagami Light. It would have to be looked into further.

"Ryuzaki?"

L looked back over his shoulder at the afro-clad police officer who had spoken up. Aizawa and Matsuda were the only two detectives in at that moment. Ukita and Mogi were both back at the police department with Yagami, answering questions posed by news reporters about the incident.

Muffin-induced chaos was an entirely new sort of chaos for L.

"Yes, Aizawa-san?"

"Umm…" Aizawa scratched the back of his head awkwardly. "Is there a reason you keep examining that lunch cake wrapper?"

"Aizawa-san, the muffin crumbs were radioactive," said L flatly, going back to the wrapper. "If these are being sold somewhere, they could be dangerous. We need to contact whoever is in charge of making them, but there isn't an address…"

"But Chuck Norris doesn't have an address," Matsuda pointed out. "He's everywhere at all times in all ways."

"Shut up, Matsuda," Aizawa said impatiently.

"What? I like reading Chuck Norris jokes…"

"Yes, but Chuck Norris jokes aren't going to help at all, Matsuda-san," said L exasperatedly. "Please keep them to yourself."

"But there was one about –"

"Shut _up_, Matsuda, we don't need to hear anything about Chuck Norris!" Aizawa half-yelled.

Matsuda crossed his arms indignantly. "All right, but you'll probably regret it," he mumbled. Aizawa glared at him, but ignored this, figuring it to be another of Matsuda's idiocies.

"I highly doubt Chuck Norris himself had anything to do with this," said L. "He is a multi-millionaire and could easily be tracked down by anyone, so it would be pointless. Besides, I doubt he was in Japan around the time Yagami Light would have disappeared, and what point would have been served in killing someone he didn't know?"

"But Chuck Norris knows –"

"Matsuda-san, I'm going to lock you in the connecting room if you don't stop talking about Chuck Norris," L said, also growing impatient with Matsuda.

Matsuda gave an exasperated sigh and decided to stare at the ceiling to stop himself from saying anything. If they would listen to him, then they would have a location of the maker of these "muffins," which would definitely be a good start. They would also know the exact effects of the muffins and why Light hadn't been found, why he _wouldn't_ be found ever. Light wasn't just missing. No, he was gone. That was the best way to put it. As it was said in that movie _Highlander_, "There can be only one." As it was with Chuck Norris, there could be only _one_.

And L was right to believe that Light definitely shouldn't have eaten that muffin.

L looked up as the hotel room door opened. Watari entered with Chief Yagami, Mogi, and Ukita following him. L was now typing away at the keyboard of his laptop, frowning, and typing something else. He looked slightly frustrated, and he kept glaring down at the empty muffin wrapper with utter disdain every time he stopped typing. Watari stopped by the insomniac only for long enough to pick up an empty coffee cup. L strummed his fingers on the table, staring at the computer screen.

"According to every search engine I've checked," L said slowly, "there is _no_ corporation making any sort of muffins with a depiction of Chuck Norris on their packaging." His fingers strummed a bit more. "How could that be possible?"

"Ryuzaki," said Yagami, approaching the table L had his computer sitting upon. L didn't look up. He kept his thumb pressed to his lips, contemplating the lack of results Google had given him on any relation between muffins and Chuck Norris except a few jokes Matsuda might find amusing. Yagami continued anyway.

"We're searching for a teenage boy, for my _son_, not for the creator of prank muffins," said Yagami. "I think there are more serious matters at hand here."

"The muffin crumbs were radioactive," said L. "If these are being distributed to and sold in any stores, then there could be a number of people in danger." L couldn't help but think along the lines of _Good riddance to bad rubbish_ regarding anyone that might want to buy or eat a muffin with a picture of Chuck Norris on the front. Those were the people like Matsuda.

And apparently, the people like Yagami Light.

L was pulled roughly out of his own thoughts when Yagami slammed a fist on the table L's laptop was set upon. "Goddammit, my son is missing and the only thing you can talk about is snack foods! What kind of detective are you?!"

"Yagami-san, please remain calm," L said stoically, standing from the couch and picking up the muffin wrapper. "Growing angry will only make matters more complicated. Right now, there is no telling where your son could be, but there are police detectives out all over Japan looking for him. At this moment, with as little information as there is, I can do nothing about Light. I can, however, attempt to stop radioactive muffins from reaching the shelves of any more grocery stores. Regardless of whether or not your son actually ate _this_ muffin, they are dangerous."

"What if they weren't ever on the shelves?" said Matsuda. "Someone could be planting them or –"

"Matsuda," Yagami said, "do you know of anyone who might attempt to plant… radioactive _muffins_ in random homes in Japan?"

Matsuda, who wasn't particularly keen on evoking the wrath of a father whose son has just gone mysteriously missing, shrugged and looked intently at his own feet. He wasn't going to utter another word for the rest of the meeting, not one. He had indeed read a joke about Chuck Norris flavored muffins online, but could it really be relevant? If it even was, the team would just brush it off as another of Matsuda's idiocies, just like they always did, and not know until the end that it actually _did_ have something to do with the case. Matsuda sighed inwardly and continued to stare at his feet in a helpless manner, listening to the rest of the team discuss possible actions to take regarding both Light and the muffin problem.

Yagami was growing increasingly angry with each mention of the word "muffins."

"So if we get the muffins off the shelves before anyone else happens to buy one, then we won't find an abundance of people dead from radiation poisoning," L was saying, still examining the Muffin wrapper. "However, if the muffins stay on the shelves and we don't act quickly, the hospitals are going to overflow with cases of radiation poisoning. I believe there are definitely more than enough Chuck Norris fans in the world for that to be a major problem regarding the overall world population."

"I never thought I'd see the day when I had to help work a case about radioactive muffins," said Aizawa, shaking his head.

"Or Chuck Norris," Ukita added, and Aizawa half-shrugged in agreement.

Everyone glanced at Matsuda at this comment. Matsuda looked back from his chair off to the side of where they were gathered, then looked back at his feet in a mixture of boredom and slight irritation. They were expecting him to make a crack about _Walker, Texas Ranger_, no doubt, but he wasn't going to give them the satisfaction. They always expected him to say something random, something that they could yell at him for. He was _not_ a stress reliever. Matsuda would hold in his comments, even if doing so was bound to turn him into… into one of _them_. He would try not to let that happen – he _would_ – but it was bound to happen eventually. Hopefully the case of the muffin maker would be a short one and he wouldn't have to worry about that. He did _not_ want to turn into Aizawa.

And not _just_ because he didn't want an afro.

After a few more minutes of muffin talk, Yagami had quite obviously had enough. L sensed the danger in the room just before Yagami spoke up in an eerily calm voice.

"Ryuzaki," he said. They all looked at him. "I understand the importance of this… these _radioactive _muffins – completely." He sounded as though it took quite a bit of force for him to allow the words _radioactive_ and _muffins_ to come out together. "But I have to find my son. I can't work like this. I'm aware I'm biased in this situation, yes, which is why I'm resigning from this case before it can begin to go back to the police force and take the position of chief investigator for Light's disappearance."

L waited for Ukita, Mogi, and Aizawa to stop attempting to talk him out of his decision. He was busy contemplating something else, something not-so-muffin related, but definitely just as puzzling as any radioactive Chuck Norris muffins.

_Matsuda wasn't talking_.

He had taken notice of it before Ukita made a comment about it being abnormal to work a case involving Chuck Norris, when Matsuda hadn't said anything then. Matsuda had actually shut up when Yagami asked him who would plant the muffins in random houses in Japan. That wasn't normal behavior at all for Matsuda. It also wasn't normal for Matsuda, of _all_ people, to be staring at his own feet in annoyance. Normally he had something to say about everything, some sort of joke that made everyone glare at him or made Aizawa tell him to shut up and get focused. However now, he had actually done as they told him to. Matsuda had stopped talking.

Not to say that this didn't make things more peaceful. It was quite nice to be able to have a serious discussion of a serious case without any moronic, juvenile interruptions from the local peanut gallery. However, it _was_ even eerier than the eerie calmness with which Yagami was using to speak about his resignation (which was, incidentally, the voice of a person hiding the fact that he was considering murdering everyone in the room with him if they didn't all stop talking about muffins). Matsuda just wasn't a quiet person. Even when he was trying to hide something, he wasn't quiet. L saw him as the type of person who no one should tell a secret, the type who would accidentally blab it to everyone and it be an honest accident. Matsuda was the type of person who meant well but never did well.

And those types of people never obeyed a command that involved them being quiet without good reason.

"I'm sorry," Yagami said finally, over the protest of the others, "but I'm not going to sit around talking about radioactive baked goods when my son's missing. For all I know he could already be dead, and the longer the case is left cold, the more likely that is. I'd rather that not be true."

"Yagami-san's son is more important to him than anything else," said L, cutting off any more protest before it could begin. "I understand that. Feel free to go back to the police. If you choose to join the case again after he is found, then I will have no protest."

"Thank you, Ryuzaki."

And on that note, Yagami indeed left. And also on that note, L was left to deal with the uproar it created from Aizawa, Ukita, and Mogi – though not Mogi so much, as he rarely ever said a word about much of anything – and to ponder why Matsuda wasn't joining in on the uproar.

* * *

A pair of long-fingered, midnight black hands picked up a muffin in a plastic wrapper between its forefinger and thumb. The hand held it up in front of an eternally grinning clown face in order for the Shinigami to examine the thing. Ryuk had never tried a muffin before, and – after seeing what had happened to the previous picker-upper of his Death Note – he had absolutely no intention of trying one in the future.

It was all rather amusing, though. People ate muffins every day, but these muffins were apparently special. For some reason, their creator (who currently held Ryuk's other Death Note) called them "fummins," but Ryuk assumed that was just part of the offhand college student's personality. Anyone who created Chuck Norris flavored muffins was a bit offhand, particularly radioactive ones that made their eater disappear. Ryuk had gotten to watch it all from Light's room. Light hadn't yet realized that his Death Note was missing when he took a bite of the "fummin," and he might not have ever eaten that muffin had he known that little fact. But in the end, the universe had to do away with Yagami Light by sucking him into a black hole, no questions asked. Light had eaten the muffin and the Gods had disagreed with such an act. Had Chuck Norris himself known, he probably would have disagreed with it as well, maybe even gave Light a good roundhouse kick to the face before the universe disposed of him. Now _that_, Ryuk thought with a cackle, would have been amusing.

Of course, none of that could have been done without the Death Note. This kid was a videogame obsessed college freshman, computer wiz, and Chuck Norris joke expert in North Carolina, going to a school called CNU, located in Union Mills of the previously mentioned state. So, how had Ryuk come across him, having been in Japan not that long ago at all?

Why, because Yagami Light and William Thomas Burr had an online Guitar Hero battle that Ryuk was witness to, of course! It had apparently been the first Guitar Hero battle of any sort that Tom had lost, and Tom had been angry. Not just angry, no, but murderous.

And wherever there is a potential murderer, there is amusement for Ryuk.

Ryuk cackled before putting the muffin back on the computer desk. The entire prospect of killer muffins was quite a bit more amusing than just criminal killing. Yagami Light was ambitious – he had plans to wipe out all crime and become the God of the New World, but what then? Ryuk wouldn't have anything to do _then_. Tom, though, planned to kill not for the good of the world, but for the benefit of himself in the world of online gaming. As more and more people would play online games as they grew in popularity, this would last quite a bit longer. When Tom gave up on this, Ryuk could just move on to some other unsuspecting gamer and offer them the most efficient way to finally get rid of their rivals. There would have only ever been one Kira, but there would be thousands of Toms throughout the years. Ryuk would never have to worry about being bored again.

And a thought that splendiferous, Ryuk supposed, most certainly deserved to have an apple on the side. Still cackling to himself, Ryuk picked up an apple from the bowl sitting on the computer desk and flew through the wall to look over his current new home, Carolina Night University.

* * *

_This entire thing was inspired by AIM conversations revolving around Chuck Norris jokes and a mistype of the word muffin as "fummin" by my coauthor._

_And, before anyone asks, a few things:  
__1. I know there was no online GH in 2007. I had to AU-ify things a bit, and that was one of the things.  
2. This story takes place based on the anime timeline rather than the manga, as GH wasn't even out in the manga timeline (which began in 2003).  
3. This is meant to be random. Hence why it is a crackfic.  
4. I'll take suggestions, comments, etc etc.  
5. Flamers amuse me, so feel free to set anything on fire that you like. Except my computer. That would make me angry enough to send you a Chuck Norris flavored fummin._

_Now, feel free to review away!_


	2. Muffin Mafia?

_Five good reviews :D Awesomeness. That seems a good enough sign to continue._

_Replies, anyone?_

_ellan54: Nah, you really don't want to do that. And you can't set Ryuk on fire :O That would make me horribly sad, I love Ryuk XD No problem, quite enjoying working with this story, and thanks for the review :)  
Sonar: Yep - gotta love the Norris jokes XP  
Saint Sentiment: Muchos gracias :D Well, not to advertise, but ya might wanna check out **Death Note: Fanfiction Gone Bad** by **Cory M. Smith** on my favorites list. It hasn't been updated in ages, but the two chapters of it that're up are seriously hillarious. Completely random, and includes Chuck Norris as well in some parts. I found it hillarious, anyway.  
Vera-Sama: Well, I hope that's disturbed in a good way, as we'll be continuing regardless :D  
Autodoll: Thanks :) I do like making Matsuda randomly important to plots. Tis quite fun :P_

_**Disclaimer**: All the usual 'I don't own' stuff. But adding on, it's impossible for anyone but Chuck Norris to own anything, so please don't sue me. And Chuck Norris, please don't roundhouse kick me in the face. _

_**Warnings**: FUMMINS!_

_**Mini-Sum**: The muffin maker was obviously obsessed with Chuck Norris, so even if Chuck Norris's godly powers were just myths (and Matsuda didn't think that at all, both because Chuck Norris was just that awesome and because thinking such a blasphemous thought would probably get him a good roundhouse kick in the jaw), getting in contact with Chuck Norris would probably cause him to step out into the open just for the chance to see his idol._

* * *

"Hey…"

L looked up from his bowl of ice cream at Aizawa. The damned muffins had been driving him on the brink of insanity for the past week, as they _didn't exist_ according to his sources. Aizawa had taken over researching on the laptop while L looked through paperwork a bit himself to make sure no one had missed anything. Paperwork may have been a bit dull, but it was definitely a forte of L's – he was attentive enough to detail that he notice and remembered almost everything he would read.

Now, though, paperwork was unimportant. From Aizawa's tone of voice alone, it was easy to tell that the afro-clad detective had discovered _something_, hopefully something important. Aizawa looked up from the laptop and at L.

"Ryuzaki, you might want to see this," he said. L looked down disappointedly at his bowl of ice cream. It had _better_ be important, he thought as he stood and walked over to the table the laptop was sitting on, leaving the bowl behind.

L moved the computer in front of him and skimmed through the online news article Aizawa had found. Then he read through it again, a little more slowly to make sure he had read everything correctly. He blinked a few times when he reached the end. "That," he said, "was entirely unhelpful."

"What was it?" Ukita asked.

"There was another disappearance," said Aizawa, sliding the computer back over to look through the article again. "It happened a few days after Light's disappearance, but it was in America so it was a little harder to find here. There're disappearances every day, sure, but there was another of those snack cake wrappers there. Same exact thing again. The police don't know where it came from or who could've done it. The guy was Jackson Wooluck, from Darby, Montana. Twenty-six years old, lived alone but was friendly with everyone in the town, according to people who lived near him. They found the muffin wrapper on the floor of his 'game room,' where he had a pinball machine, a pool table, and just about every video game system you can name. Pretty well to do, apparently. Residents of the town said he had the room made for his teenage son, who has come to visit him on weekends for the past year and a half. Also in the room was a vacuum plugged in and turned on but sitting on it's side, so apparently he had been cleaning at the time he disappeared."

"Sounds almost like he just vanished," said Ukita perplexedly. "That's weird as hell."

"Does it say when he was last seen?" asked L.

Aizawa scrolled down the page a little. "Yeah. The day before they found his house empty like that, he had been in town – in the morning, about eleven o' clock – buying cleaning supplies."

"So apparently he had been planning on doing some cleaning that day," said Ukita.

"And then he disappeared."

"It's impossible that he just disappeared into thin air," L said impatiently. Apparently since Matsuda had stopped talking, everyone else had gotten to be a bit more like him, L thought to himself miserably. "He could have been abducted."

"By the same person that abducted Yagami Light a few days earlier in Japan?" asked Ukita. "There aren't any connections between the two of 'em except the muffin wrappers."

"Ryuzaki's right – _I_ don't think there's any way someone could disappear into thin air, anyway," said Aizawa, though he sounded somewhat uncertain. "I guess it could be a group of people."

"The muffin mafia?" said Ukita with a hollow laugh. "It just doesn't make any sense. Who'd kidnap people at random and leave behind empty muffin wrappers?"

"Muffin wrappers without fingerprints on them, for that matter," said Aizawa, looking at the article again. "It says they examined the muffin wrapper and found no fingerprints on it. We didn't either, so that's another similarity. If this guy or Light at the actual muffin, then they would have left fingerprints on it, there wouldn't be a point in wearing gloves to eat a muffin if they didn't know it was radioactive in the first place –"

"It never said anything about radioactivity in the article, Aizawa-san," L said. Aizawa and Ukita looked at L. L pulled out a chair at the table and sat down upon it in his usual way – how else could was the world's best detective to sit when contemplating? "Perhaps the muffin itself doesn't turn radioactive until after it's eaten. Radioactive materials can eat through anything, including the oily fingerprints left behind on the plastic of a muffin wrapper, but as there was nothing mentioned about radioactivity, that doesn't seem likely. There is still a chance that the crumbs won't turn radioactive for some time."

_Radioactive muffins_, L thought to himself for the hundredth time since they had begun looking into the things. _I __**knew**__ there was a reason I never liked muffins._

"Either that or they didn't want to scare people by telling them that muffins are turning radioactive," said Ukita.

"We need to find out all of the details," said L, biting his thumbnail. "Aizawa, please continue researching this until you find the police agency currently in charge of the case. I will contact them personally to interrogate the police chief."

"All right."

"Ukita-san, when Aizawa-san has found the police department, please check for any more disappearances of the same nature."

"Right," Ukita said, shaking a cigarette out of the pack he had just pulled out of his pocket. "And if I find any, find out what departments are in charge of them."

"Correct. Aizawa-san, have that article and any others concerning the case of Jackson Wooluck printed. Mogi-san will then scan through them all to see if we can find any other similarities."

Mogi, who had been looking through paperwork himself, looked up and nodded in agreement to this. Everyone got to work immediately. L walked back over to his sofa and sat down. He picked up his paperwork again and looked down at his ice cream. It was melting slightly, which came as something of an annoyance.

At least it wasn't radioactive. That was definitely nice.

"Uhh… Ryuzaki?"

L looked up at Matsuda in mild surprise. He had been sitting in one of the chairs at the end of the same table L was seated in front of, being completely silent. This was the first time he had spoken in hours. It had been quite peaceful, though L had glanced up occasionally to make sure the local idiot was still breathing. He was annoying, but the only person L might have wished death on at this time were the people making these muffins.

"Yes, Matsuda-san?"

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Just keep quiet and keep looking through the details of Light's disappearance."

Looking slightly disappointed, Matsuda went back to his paperwork without complaint. L pondered over how cooperative Matsuda had been over the past week for a moment before going back to his own paperwork. Perhaps Matsuda had just decided to turn over a new leaf because he was tired of being told to shut up. That was a pleasant thought, even if it did seem unlikely.

Matsuda did continue to look through the paperwork as he was instructed to do, though he did so absently and without actually reading anything. He wasn't doing this to make L paranoid of him (though that was an amusing side effect of it all). He was doing as he was told because one day, sooner or later, they would find out just how much he knew about what was going on a feel like idiots themselves for telling him to shut up all the time. Though they might have thought now that this was all good and pleasant because their main bother had finally shut its mouth, they would find out that it was quite horrible indeed that he wasn't talking, that this case could have been solved all the sooner if he _was_ talking.

Matsuda even knew who was probably responsible for this – and amazingly, no, it _wasn't_ Chuck Norris. Only an idiot would think it was Chuck Norris, and Matsuda might not have been the most intelligent person in the world, but he also wasn't a _complete_ idiot.

One thing _was_ for sure: if they got into contact with Chuck Norris, the case would be solved. Walker, Texas ranger, could solve _any_ case. The muffin maker was obviously obsessed with Chuck Norris, so even if Chuck Norris's godly powers were just myths (and Matsuda didn't think that at _all_, both because Chuck Norris was just that awesome and because thinking such a blasphemous thought would probably get him a good roundhouse kick in the jaw), getting in contact with Chuck Norris would probably cause him to step out into the open just for the chance to see his idol.

Still, he couldn't deny how irritating it was – Matsuda knew exactly how this case could be solved and _no one was listening to him_. Granted he wasn't talking, but no one was asking him either, which told him that they were quite glad to have a silent idiot for a change.

It was twenty minutes later that Aizawa found a location and a telephone number for the police station in Montana. This was the point that L informed him that he thought it would probably be just as easy to hack into their office's computer systems. This thoroughly annoyed Aizawa.

"Why didn't you say anything before?" he asked. "I'd found the location for the station fifteen minutes before the telephone number, this could have been done a hell of a lot quicker…"

L, however, was already too busy searching IP addresses for this police station and hacking to give any response to Aizawa. A moment later, a view of a small police station appeared on the computer. Aizawa, Ukita, and Mogi, who were all watching, looked between each other.

"The security camera for the front office," L said. "There is someone behind the desk, so I doubt this will take very long." He typed in a few more things, quickly enough so none of the three police officers standing behind him really got wind of what it was, then he pressed down a button on his microphone and spoke.

"This is L. Please inform your chief of police that I wish to speak with him."

His sudden transition to English with no distinctive accent to speak of made the others in the room inwardly question exactly _where_ L had come from. There were times when Aizawa would have put his money on Mars.

"What the hell…?" the man behind the front desk said, looking at the computer in front of him closely. "L? I don't have a mic, how'll he –"

"I can hear you quite well," said L. "Please bring your chief of police. I wish to speak with him immediately. This is of dire importance."

"Uh – r-right," said the man, standing up from his chair, stumbling slightly as he stared at the "L" on his computer screen, and taking a step back. "I'll have him in just a minute, L."

* * *

Miles away from both Japan and Montana (though relatively closer to Montana by far), a college freshman sat at a computer chair, strumming his fingers upon the desk his laptop was set upon. Behind him, a grinning, gothic jester of a monster stood, cackling under his breath and watching the computer screen himself. Oh, L might have been a superb hacker, but there was none better than CNU resident Thomas Burr.

If there was, then Tom wouldn't have been sitting at a college in North Carolina with the monitors for a police station in Montana visible on his computer screen. He had just heard L's electronic voice simulator, but he was able to hear L before then as well. Tom had managed to hack into L's own computer in Japan and steal his wavelengths, so he could hear everything that was going on there by activating the microphone to L's computer and turning up the volume so he could hear everyone. He had taken courses in Japanese and he had taken them seriously, so it was easy enough for him to understand. They were looking for him. They didn't know it yet, but they definitely were looking for him. Killing them was out of the question, though. L couldn't know that Tom was aware of him, or that Tom even considered him a threat. He would keep to the shadows. The mistake Kira had made was going outside of his original major. He had strayed away from criminals to kill those helping L.

Tom would not stray away from his preferred victims. That Jackson Wooluck – better known online as wOOlf70 – had scorned him, insulted him for all of the online gaming world to see. Tom wouldn't have that. That was why he was doing this, and it was a damn good reason, too. He would be _the_ best Guitar Hero player by the time he was through with the world. Anyone who had the nerve to beat him would face the wrath of TomBurr, online gamer.

And of Chuck Norris, also known as Walker, Texas Ranger. And fummins, of course. None of this would have been possible without either of those, nor would it have been possible without this new Shinigami of his. Ryuk had found his ambition quite interesting, apparently, and had betrayed Yagami Light to help him instead. Yagami Light had been Kira, and now Kira was no more. L shouldn't have been hunting Tom, then, L should have been _thanking_ him. Tom would just add that to the list of things he would say to L if he ever met the guy.

Ryuk had been a huge help. He had delivered the Death Note to Tom, and he was also delivering the fummins to wherever they needed to be delivered in order for the Death Note to work. After all, Tom had to face the fact that none of his victims would have actually eaten the muffins had it not been for him writing them in as the cause of their deaths in the Death Note.

"Ryuk," Tom said suddenly, sitting bolt upright and turning. "Is it possible to alter the Death Note?"

"_I dunno,"_ said Ryuk, shrugging. _"How?"_

"I was just thinking," he said, sitting back in his chair, "that a Norris Note would be the even cooler than a Death Note." Ryuk just gave him that blank, ignorant Shinigami stare. "You know. You write someone's name in the notebook and Chuck Norris shows up on their doorstep and roundhouse kicks them in the face to death."

Ryuk, who still didn't know much at all about Chuck Norris except that Tom spoke quite fondly of the guy, just laughed a little. _"Yeah, that'd be great, but I don't think you can alter the Death Note like that."_

Tom shrugged and turned his chair back around. "Figures," he said, watching the screen. "Ah, there's the police chief. Keep quiet, Ryuk."

They both watched as the police chief gave the computer in front of him an incredulous look, then sat down at the chair in front of it. "Is this some kinda joke?" he asked.

"_It is not_," replied the electronic L-voice. "_I am L._"

"Hole-ly _shit_," he said weakly. "This is Chief of Police of the Darby County Police Department, Mark Morris," he said, a little bit more loudly. "How can we help you, L?"

"_By allowing me to take over the case of Jackson Wooluck. I am working some very similar cases at this moment_."

"How similar?" asked the chief.

"_That's classified, Chief Morris. I cannot release any information on my cases to the public until there is sufficient evidence that they are all linked. Then I will alert any governments that need be alerted, and the public will find out from there._"

"A– all right. If there's anything we can do here –"

"_Just supply me with the information that I need when I ask for it. That will be all the cooperation I will need._"

"Right…"

Tom listened to the stream of questions L was asking this Mark Morris. He wasn't getting anywhere near the actual connection between victims with what he was asking. Not many people knew that Yagami Light had been an internet Guitar Hero star, so that wasn't a surprise. L might make the connection sooner or later, and sooner or later Tom knew it would lead back to him, but he was fairly certain he could outsmart L if he tried hard enough. L was smart, sure enough, but Tom was just stubborn enough to be able to trick L if he put his mind to it.

And if not, he could definitely beat him at Guitar Hero. If it came down to it, then that would be exactly how this whole thing would be settled.

Tom sat and watched the entire conversation just to see if L got any closer to the truth. Much to Tom's relief and amusement, he didn't get a single step closer.

* * *

L brought his laptop back to its main screen, still rather annoyed by the complete lack of similarities between Wooluck and Yagami. He set Aizawa, Ukita, and Mogi all back to work and again went back to his sofa. He was further annoyed that the remainder of his ice cream was almost completely melted into a pile of vanilla goop mixed with chocolate sauce and strawberries that looked utterly unappetizing. This case definitely wasn't going very well, there was no denying that. Perhaps they would have been better off listening to Matsuda's pointless Chuck Norris jokes. Taking the case seriously was getting them nowhere at all.

One thing was for sure, however. L never had and never would give up a case. Even if it took years to complete, he would stay on it. No truly random serial killers existed in the world. They all either targeted victims who had similarities about them, killed their victims in similar ways, left similar clues at crime scenes – any number of things. Eventually the culprit would make a mistake somewhere, and L would catch it, and that would be the beginning of the end for this person, or perhaps this group. L had a strong suspicion that it was only one person, however. There was always that gut feeling when it came to cases, one that often proved correct for him. He had suspected Yagami Light was Kira. Light had disappeared and the killings of criminals had stopped. For L, that was as good as a confession. If Light was ever found, he would be placed under arrest. L had a feeling from the beginning that, out of all those the FBI agents had tailed, Light was the most likely.

Now he had no idea who was the most likely culprit for this case – he really couldn't say murderer until evidence was found that the victims had died – but he had a feeling that it was one twisted individual committing all of these… not murders, not yet, but _disappearances_ for a reason that only they could understand.

This was going to be a simply _wonderful_ case, L thought as he lifted a spoonful of melted ice cream and let it fall back down into the bowl. He grimaced at the concoction in the bowl. Just _wonderful_.

* * *

_This is turning out to be quite fun :)_

_As always, feel free to comment, question, flame, or anything in the reviews. Anything is welcome._

_And anything fummin or Chuck Norris related is encouraged :D_


End file.
